The realization of stress and self

Today was an interesting day. Didn’t sleep too well last night, second night in a row I fell asleep on the couch, woke up around 12 and then woke up around 7:30am. I went to work, and then had a bunch of stuff I hoped to accomplish.

Then it hit me, stress. I HATE stress. I lead a relatively stress-free life, except for maybe once a month or so, and it seems to compile into an unproductive disaster. Usually it goes away, but before I knew it 3-4 hours were gone and I was off to try and de-stress in the spinning and yoga classes. In addition to the stress I just didn’t feel too great or motivated, and almost sick to my stomach. I gutted it up and finished the spinning class, but my stress levels were still above normal, and at the beginning of yoga I was tempted to leave and go home and try to resolve some issues, but I stayed and am glad for it.

Towards the end of yoga I realized that the stuff I had been freaking out about were mere petty issues in comparison to what people I know are going through this very moment. And it hit me; I have no reason to be stressed. I live an awesome life with my health, family, friends, lots of activities, safe from war, poverty, hunger, and so many other issues that face the majority of the world.

The mind is a very interesting thing and tends to ponder strange thoughts that may or may not be of any relevance whatsoever. Most of the time it is for the better, but every so often, just useless thought babble.

One thought that has been reoccurring over the last few days is that I miss my old life, drinking nice beers, having some unhealthy meals, not working my ass off on Saturdays, I guess, just being a little bit less insane and more like the average person. Also, after talking to a few of the other team in training members, it has dawned on me that I have been working way too hard. I think part of it is a malfunction of needing to prove to myself that I really am capable of certain feats.

Shouldn’t I just strive to finish each practice and the marathon, make a bunch of friends, have a great time, fund raise for an incredible cause, and just be my newer self. I think I lost my mind for a while thinking that was a good idea to train for the Boston Marathon, yea it would be an awesome experience, but instead I could run 15 half marathons in different states and actually enjoy the training and event more. It’s a goal that I can do when I’m 35 or something, not right now. I need to be enjoying my life, living like I’m in college without the binge drinking and staying up way too late. Plus if I exert myself a little less I’ll have more time and energy to work on my other interests: coaching baseball, becoming certified in personal training, reading more, yoga, gardening, building things, and so many other activities.

Since the training started I have gone through a bunch of phases, vegan, vegetarian, hardcore exercise, no alcohol, and some stuff that’s probably in my other journals and not coming to mind. It has served some purpose, but ultimately, just a bunch of small phases in my life. I’ve been too caught up in the marathon training to realize how much I’ve changed, and not all for the better, I have secluded myself from social activities, and trained so hard that I physically and mentally needed to take a multiple day break.

Lesson learned:
Be a more fun person and don’t take activities so seriously.
The activity itself doesn’t define me, it is how I change and adapt as a result of the journey towards the activity.

I hope you gain something from this journal. It is the first one that really reaches in and forces change.

Keep it real,
Ryan